you tell yourself what you think you need to,
rationalizations, one after the next,
constructing and threading and weaving,
in order to go on
you dig and bore and bury,
you force it down, down, down,
into the pit,
locking it away,
resigned to doing whatever it take to keep it there,
fear and shame fueling defiance
and you protect it,
clutching the lies like a shield,
believing the hurt will be less,
the humiliation slighter,
if only no one can see it
except it only grows and metastasizes,
the loathe a burning itch,
the fear always there,
just beneath the surface of your skin,
the shame a purpling, omniscient bruise,
an ache invading,
taking up more and more space,
taking over
there it is –
in your eyes that say what your mouth does not,
in the slight recoil at a simple touch,
in the humiliating burn behind your eyes
that threatens to spill in revealing droplets,
in the distance you keep,
no matter how close you get
there it is,
in the silence,
a clamoring so loud,
it won’t ever allow you rest
it never stays down –
I know,
I’ve told myself the same lies
-reworked as part of Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Photo Challenge