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Sitting on the well-worn, blue speckled carpet, she laughed at her friend, Anna, who’d just said something off the wall, as usual. Laughing wasn’t at all uncommon for her, she laughed all the time, but for some reason this laugh had left her feeling this recurring empty feeling, a sudden jerk into reality, as if the laugh was fake and didn’t quite belong. It occurred to her that maybe it wasn’t emptiness she was feeling, exactly. Then it hit her like an unexpected tidal wave, throwing her instantly off-balance.


She felt alone.


Holding her smile so no one could tell what she was thinking, her eyes scanned the room from face to face. Scattered about the room were the six young women who knew her better than anyone ever had. Yet, that made her sad, all of the sudden.


If she were to describe them to anyone, she’d tell them they were her best friends, her sisters. She’d do anything for them, that’s just the way she was made, even if any one of them might not do the same for her.


When she’d met them all four years ago, it was like a whole world had opened to her. She’d had best friends before, but living independently with and amongst these young women provided opportunities to see them every day, any hour of the day, in happy times and bad times, and all the in between. For the first time in her life, she had a place to belong.


She was likeable, compassionate, and loveable. It was just her personality to mean what she said, and to say what she meant; people could count on it, and often did. She was dependable, passionate, and caring. She was open and accepting of others, even when people around her were not. Standing for what she believed in wasn’t something that was negotiable. It just was. Caring about people and having a genuine interest in getting to know them wasn’t an act. It just was.


Some were drawn to her for those reasons. Yet, those qualities also scared many people. Most, actually. She shared of herself, but not everyone did the same, or with the same depth.
Some didn’t want to receive that offering. Often, it was too much. She was too much, at least that’s how it felt.


Over time, she learned that many people wished to keep her at arm’s length. They wanted the benefits that came with being her friend, but didn’t always wish to reciprocate. Some would only take. And take.
The thing was – she never pushed people away. Especially the ones sitting in this room, even if it felt like they didn’t always reciprocate.

Not only could she not risk causing people to feel abandoned or rejected…..she needed them. That was twisted and made no sense, and she knew it.


But, they were all she had.


Except, as she scanned the room, looking at each and every one of her ‘best’ friends, she felt so alone. It wasn’t the first time this feeling had hit her, but this time it was like an anvil on her chest. It was hard to breathe. In the pit of her belly, there was an aloneness that squeezed and knotted the muscles, rising like bile, choking her.
She knew these women. She had spent the last four years listening, even to all the things they didn’t say, helping, even when they hadn’t asked, and giving them everything she had to give.


She loved them.


But, in that moment, she knew they couldn’t possibly love her, not in the same way. They didn’t really know her; they hadn’t allowed that to happen.


And you have to be known to be truly loved.


-image found on Tumblr, original source unknown; older piece given a facelift


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Save It

save it,
I’ve heard it all before

no need to back pedal,
or think so quickly on your toes,
trying to explainit all away with excuses
and beefy rationalizations

don’t you dare twist and pull
and try to point that poison
back at me

it’s not me,
it’s you

own it,
or walk away

because if you don’t,
I will

~image credit Pinterest, source unknown

Friendship

I’m not the most book-smart gal,
and I process rather slow

no formal education taught me
the things my heart knows

no golden plaque on the wall
could measure how my spirit grows

and no fancy dress or bank account 
could replace my love that freely flows

I’m just a girl who pays attention,
who shows up when others go

who listens and loves all of you,
who in tough times helps you tow

who isn’t embarrased to share deeply,
to let down barriers and overflow

and, I need that kind of friend, too,
whose love isn’t afraid to show

who understands that the only way
to be truly loved, is to be known 

-image via Pixabay

White Noise

beside me races the brawny river,
Mother Earth’s lifeline cascading from snowy peaks and forcing its winding path
down, down, down,
it’s miracle reaching through the circle of all living things

rippling and licking at the pure mountain air,
it opens and closes its sunlit doors
as it folds and rolls over itself,
kneading and knotting the collective thread of the life it feeds, 
past, present, and future into one connectedness,
while projecting its time-ridiculing ROAR

I feel in my bones,
the reverberation of its irony –

fast, fast, fast,
it flows,
it’s commanding voice reminding me to
slow, slow, slow,
to listen

for we all end up back where we began
if we only
follow, follow, follow

our spirits are ROARING,
the lifelines feeding our souls, 
forging our winding paths,
speaking to us with powerfully pure voices,
ones which are not ever meant to become 
white noise

-image is mine; poem dedicated to my mountain friend; shared as part of dVerse’s open link night

Gifted

there’s a place where there is no sound
where breathing doesn’t exist
and awe is all that courses veins
where nothing unearthly is missed

there’s a place where past collides
with future on prodigious scale
where something larger than ourselves
infiltrates the heart, the holy grail

there’s a place where the soul is still
where oneness with all is felt
and reverence for life and love a’blooms
where once cold has dwelt

oh, Rocky Mountains, high
thank you for gifting my soul
for calling to my dearest friend
who helps to make my heart whole

I’ll miss you both

-photo is mine

Destiny

perhaps solitude is my destiny

being alone isn’t easy
but diving through my own sea
trying to understand the waves
often makes more sense than
asking anyone else
to grab diving gear

and I’m not a surfer

~image credit scubadiverlife.com

Who Are You?

Who are you?
With your plaster smile
That laughs too loudly
And fades away to hollow

Who are you?
With those deep set eyes
That tell a much different story
Every time I see them

Who are you?
With your slashing words
From behind your scrupulous wall
Oozing bitterness

Who are you?
Where did you go?

Or maybe I never really knew you at all

-image via lovethispic.com

Too Short

Life is too short
For talk about the weather
Let’s share deeply together
And laugh till we snort

Life is too short
To pretend we don’t feel
Let’s dive deep and peel
All the layers, transport

Life is too short
For stubbornness and shame
Let’s throw out the blame
Through the blackness we’ll sort

Life is too short
For small talk and pretend
Be vulnerable, my friend
Offer your whole heart

-image via college dilemma.com

Language

In my chest, my heart is warming
And my spirit is nudging me

I recognize this language you speak
The same truth that sets me free

It feels as though we were meant to meet
To keep one another company 

Come and sit, let’s talk a while
Become fluent, and just be

-image via Pixabay