Weight

can your strength support me?
for I’ve gained too many pounds

and this extra flesh is nothing compared
to this shame in which I’ve drowned

-image from a gif created by Alessandro Baricco, found via Tumblr; reworking of an older poem

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10 thoughts on “Weight

    • Me too. I’m trying very hard to change that, but it’s a crazy, historically cyclical issue that will likely be one I grapple with for the rest of my days. I don’t think I speak any more bravely! I’m truly sorry you feel this, Susan. I appreciate so much your sharing that with me. Love to you. 💜

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      • I feel I am in the exact same place…I am so sorry you have to be there as well. Sometimes I just want to scream at the power it has over me. I want so much to just accept myself for who I am and what I look like, right now.

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        • Me too. I feel that way often, actually. I wish I could accept. Sometimes it’s better than others, but even when it’s better, it feels like a facade or a mask I’m trying on. I seem to continually go back to the kind of thinking that says – if I could just lose this many pounds or this many inches, I’d like myself more. Others would like me more; they would see me and not the weight. But when I do lose those pounds and inches, there’s still plenty I don’t like. The craziest part for me, I’ve realized, is that I don’t think losing any amount of weight or inches will make a difference until I do accept myself for who I am and what I look like, right now, first. I was at my heaviest about 8 years ago. I lost around 75 pounds with diet and exercise, and it took a long time. It felt amazing in so many ways, but it was never good enough. At my core, I still wasn’t happy with myself. I felt I needed to lose 20 more, more inches. I had saggy skin and stretch marks and the list goes on. Those things will always be there. I yo-yo with about 20 pounds and my emotions yo-yo with it. It’s ass backward, but I feed those yucky feelings with things that make me feel yucky. In those ways, it’s cyclical, a cycle that’s hard to break. But the root is what you said – accepting myself first. And that’s lumped in with feelings of worth and shame – a long journey I’m not giving up on! I just get tired sometimes. And angry. Lol

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          • This makes me very emotional, Angela. It is like you are in my mind, like we have walked the same path. The whole feeding the feelings…..makes no sense, but I do it as well…endlessly it seems. Thank you for sharing so much, Angela. It helps more than you know. Love Love Love!!!

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